I really miss having long hair.
I chopped it all off when I was in London, and it's finally starting to grow back, but it's taking a frustratingly long time to do so. It's been hovering around chin-length for the past month and a half, and it just needs another three inches to hit the collar bones.
Everyone (and by "everyone," I mean "a few friends") tells me that they like my hair shorter, that it's very grown-up and cute. I can see what they mean, but ...
I was always a tomboy growing up. I could keep up with and beat the boys in races during recess, I was tough and strong. I was highly independent, and strongly anti-mainstream, even in middle school. I'm proud of my younger self for holding out against peer pressure in all things, but it's also admittedly just a little embarrassing to look back on those days. I dressed in ill-fitting shirts and baggy jeans and put my hair up in severe ponytails until my senior year in high school, when I finally started dressing like a girl. I remember clearly going over to my best friend's house and exclaiming, while motioning toward my legs, "Look! I have girl jeans now!" when she opened the door.
I know that appearances aren't everything - really, I spent my adolescence grooming my personality and brain, not my looks - but I sort of wish my mom or friends had taken me aside to suggest to me that I try losing the flannel shirts and perhaps take up something with sleeves that ended above the elbow.
I'm comfortable with who I am as a person. But I think that, maybe, I'm still not completely convinced that others see me as feminine. This is ridiculous, I know, because I've become humiliatingly girly since high school - somehow, I've ended up with a really embarrassing number of pairs of shoes, and I own far, far too many ballgowns (in my defense, they were purchased from thrift stores) - but I can't shake the fear.
Having long hair, I guess, is a marker of femininity to me. I don't know if I'm comfortable enough in my own identity to pull off short hair with confidence.
It's one weakness in my personality that I really dislike. It makes it hard for me to be confident, which is stupid, and I know it's stupid. And for someone who tries to be individualistic, this need to be visually normal conflicts with a lot of my principles.
I guess a haircut is a pretty weird way to realize the holes in one's personality, huh?
No one ever said I was actually normal. Just that I look it.
2 comments:
i don't know if i would say that your craving for a more, in your mind, feminine hairstyle is a hole in your personality. it's just a preference. you can still be individual and anti-mainstream with long hair. i've seen it done.
i've found, in my folicle experience, that hair is a very liberating or limited part of how you feel.
example:
i used to have rediculously long hair. back in high school, i had to fight for my hair length because we had a uniform policy that governed it. when i got it longer, it made me feel as though it was me choosing the style, not 'the man.'
then i shaved it off for a play, which was entertaining, but against my wishes. i immediately began growing it out again.
then i got dumped, which sucks. at this point my hair was getting to a respectable length again (something this female had been a fan of). what was the first thing i did? i drove to target, bought a pair of clippers and shaved my head. at that point it was a freeing experience, like i was eliminating every part of her from my body and allowing myself to be me again.
i still shave my head (as you can notice), only now it's out of my overall philosophy that i look badass with a shaved head. also, it's a much more revolutionary style, easier to lead rebellions and such.
my point being, hair helps you act in the manner you wish to. so if you want long hair, baby grow it out.
I must say that I think you're very feminine, even when your hair is short. I see what you're saying, but I actually think it's kind of funny that you want long hair to feel feminine, because when you were a tomboy you always had long hair. Either way, long hair or short hair, I still love you. Oh, and I remember the "I have girl jeans" day. :-)
Becky
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