I think I have vocal nodes. I'm a little bit freaked out about it. As such, I'm going to take a hiatus from talking for a while. I mean, beyond what's necessary for communication at a very basic level.
I hope I don't have them. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't sing. I sing every day. Unconsciously, even. A song will be on, and I'll sing along without realizing I'm doing it. It's surprisingly difficult to consciously keep myself from doing it.
In my paranoid, obsessive way, I keep thinking about the things I wouldn't be able to do. No more caroling with Becky and Molly - I'm worried about caroling this year, even. No singing to my kids, if I have any, when they're falling asleep (this is stupidly sentimental, I know, but it breaks my heart a little to think that I might not be able to do this). No more singing along to good nineties songs in the car with the windows rolled down.
But ... I guess I should calm down. I mean, maybe I've just got tonsillitis or something. Maybe the reason I've only been able to sing for shorter and shorter periods of time over the past year is ... some reason other than nodes. Maybe the grit that's appeared in my voice is entirely due to getting older, to the occasional cigarette. Maybe these sharp aches in my throat are, I don't know, chronic strep or something. Ear infections. Anything.
I'm afraid of losing something so intrinsic to who I am. Singing isn't just a talent I happen to have. It's not just a skill, not just some addition to my personality, like an accessory. It's a part of what defines me. It's part of how I get through the day. I'm ... I'm really scared of losing that.
Please don't let this be what I think it is.
3 comments:
That's scary. Can you get it checked out?
Please please please go get your throat checked out. They can do amazing things with vocal node surgery; Amanda just had it done, and she's back on the road singin' her heart out. If you have them, it isn't the end of the world, I promise. I love you so much.
Moo
1.) Stay positive. It could be something totally unrelated.
2.) But definitely get it checked out. And like Molly said, there are loads of people who get vocal node surgery and are still able to sing afterwards. Like Amanda, and Elton John. But it's better to go to the doctor and find out rather than just sitting around and hoping it's not.
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